Ranulf's Bad Fur Day
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: After a hard night's drinking, Ranulf now has absolutely no clue where he is. Joy.


_Today really was ridiculous. _

_Meh. The yesterday was pretty bad as well, but today… yeesh. _

_Anyway, I need an ear to vent to. Are you okay with that?_

_It all started… when I woke up this morning. _

_The start of my Bad Fur day…_

…

"Oi, Ranulf! Get over here!" A large Warrior said jovially. "We haven't seen you since we beat Ashera!"

"Yeah, well, busy in Gallia and all that." I said airily, taking a seat right next to the man. "How're things, Boyd?"

"Great!" Boyd said with a huge grin on his face. "Don't tell anyone but…" He lowered his voice, "I think I'm gonna propose to Mist."

"Ha!" A Red-Haired Archer chuckled. "You say that as if we all don't know about that…" He then took a huge gulp from his glass.

"Umm… Shut up Shinon!" Boyd said, blushing.

"Where's Ike, anyway?" I asked.

"Ummm… I'm not really sure… I think he had to meet someone." Boyd said.

"Like who?"

"It doesn't matter. This is just a small get together. Let's just… catch up, and stuff."

"Come on, Ranulf!" Gatrie said, hiccupping as he raised his glass. "A toast!"

"Oh fine." I said as I grabbed a glass. "To Yune, without whom fighting against a stupid bitch with a superiority complex would have proven impossible!"

"Yune!"

We drank our glasses.

"To Tellius!"

Refill, drink again.

This went on for a while, so much so I couldn't remember much of it.

"To Mary Sue.. Hic… I means, I means, Micaiah." Gatrie slurred drunkenly. "Without… Hic! Without her mighty powers of four sight and… hic! Everlasting youth…" Gatrie fell off his chair, snoring.

"What the fuck?" I said. Simply trying to sound shocked gave me a massive headache. "Everlasting youth? Mary Sue?"

"He's… wasted…" Boyd muttered.

"I've… gotta be going." I said, standing up, shaking a little. "Lethe will be waiting for me…"

"Ahaha… real funny alleycat… ahahaha…" Shinon giggled.

I ignored him and staggered out the door.

"Ahh… I hope I don't get lost…"

I wandered around for a while, and eventually came across the Mercenary base.

I figured I could sleep off the alchohol here, but I ran into something I didn't expect.

I opened the front door, and acted as etiquetelly as a best friend should.

"I'mmmmmm hoooommmee!" I yelled, stepping into the base. I almost fell over and knocked over a table. Clutz.

I looked around at the mercenary base. It had some very odd decorations, I thought. Some pictures, some flowers, a fur rug. Nothing like Laguz decora-

Wait a minute.

I looked closer at the rug. It's fur looked familiar. Almost as if…

"You bastards!" I screamed, knocking over the table again. It was a Tiger laguz fur! That meant those bastards hunted one of my kin down! How dare they!

I heard a bed creak somewhere. I knew that must mean Ike was in the house. Since he was the leader, it was all his fault. I gracefully walked through the entrance room, knocking over things, and barely got the next door open. I happened to see one a Axe lying forgotton by the fire. I picked and up, and swung it. I then went to find out where the creaking was coming from.

The thing was, I was hearing moans too. What the fuck? Maybe Ike was torturing another Laguz somewhere. So I held the axe in front of me, and found the door where the noises where coming from.

"Ike, you bastard!" I screamed. I then swung the axe as hard as I could against the door.

The door, for some reason, didn't open. Instead, the axe carved a huge hole through. I stuck my head through and said as menacingly as I could: "Heeeeeeerrrrreeee's Ranny!"

My super sharp cat eyes usually could see well in the dark, but because I was really drunk, I couldn't see shit.

Someone threw a white book at me. I recognized it as a Shine tome. It didn't hurt.

Then the flat side of a huge-ass sword hit me in the face.

I went flying. I slammed into the wall behind me, and if I wasn't such a badass, I'm sure I would have been knocked cold.

I looked up to see…

Ike.

And he looked pissed.

But so was I.

"What is your problem?" Ike demanded.

"You…youse… youse kills my brethren, yeah?"

Ike looked confused.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm… talking about the fucking rug, you dirty bastard!"

"Huh?" Ike said, looking vaguely surprised. "I actually rather liked it. Bearskin custom made in Begnion. All the tough guys have it."

"You're… not tough Ike." I slurred. "You're just a little pansy… who thinks he's soooooo cool for some shit that happened a long time ago, amirite?"

"Ummm… The Tower bullshit happened three months ago."

"Don't be smart with me, kid!" I snarled. "I'm gonna… I'm gonna…"

"Damn, Ranulf, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

I was focusing on Ike this whole time. I know realized there was someone behind him.

"What? Lethe?" I said, startled.

"Yes. Didn't I tell you, Ikey?" She cooed. I blanched. 'Ikey?' What the hell was going on?

"Yes… I guess you did…" Ike said, looking really depressed.

"Umm… What's… going on?"

"You know, Ranulf!" Lethe said, fiercely. "Cainheighis sent you here, didn't he?"

"Uh… no. I'm just really… drunk…"

"Don't give me that bullshit!" Lethe screamed. "Cainheighis doesn't want me to marry Ike, so he sent you here to assassinate him!"

"I was just kinda pissed about the rug." I attempted to explain, but Lethe slapped me.

"Bullshit! How dare you come here to try and kill the love of my life?"

Since when did they fall in love, exactly?

"Anyway." Lethe sniffed. "Simply killing you is too… non-humiliating. So I guess we must resort to the classics."

…

"Well… shit." I said.

I was really drunk, and couldn't even begin to fight back. Lethe cackled insanely as she shoved me into the bag.

"The only way to humiliate you beyond reason," She said, sniggering, "is to kill you the way Beorc tend to kill young cat laguz!"

I tried to jab at her through the bag, but she just laughed. With a might heave, she threw me into the river.

It was then that I realized I could have transformed. Duh.

...

I couldn't breathe. I kept tossing and turning, trying to somehow, someway, get the bag above water.

"Gloop Gloop gloop." I said, attempting to pointlessly scream for help.

Then…

I transformed.

I hated getting my fur wet, but if it meant getting out of this fucking bag, it was worth it. I tore the fabric with my claws, which was actually pretty easy because it was so wet. I immeditedly swam to the surface, shifting back to normal so I could move faster.

I was in a cave. I was still really drunk. I didn't even realize where Lethe had dropped me off in the first place. And I really didn't care. I fell to the floor and slept.

…

**Presenting: Ranulf's Bad Fur Day!  
**

**By Megagamer200**

I woke up with a terrible hangover. All that shit that happened and all that stuff I drank really didn't go too well together.

Anyway, I got up. And tried to find another way out of this cave besides the way I came in. That way sucked.

I spotted a passage, so I went in.

I saw some sunlight, which was good. That meant freedom. I would have run, if my head didn't hurt so bad.

Did I mention my head hurt like a bitch?

Anyway, I made it out. I looked out to the horizon to see…

"Holy shit!" I cried, as this giant… thing, jumped out of nowhere!

It was huge. Did I mention that? And it had horns. And it was huge. It was also carrying this gigantic battle axe. And it was huge.

The thing blinked stupidly at me. I had no doubt in my mind it would appear just a tad bit less intimatiding if I didn't have a hangover this bad.

The thing gave a might roar, that shook the mountain. It started to swing it's axe, but then…

"Tarry, Foul beast! Feel the wrath of the greatest Hero since the Golden Age! Hiyaaaah!" I saw a green blur jump from below, and kick the thing in the mouth. "Take that, ye heathen! Whatever a heathen is anyway…"

My jaw dropped. Some pretty boy in green tights, with some butter knife, and a goofy shield didn't possibly stand a chance against this collossel, badass, thing.

The thing roared and swung it's axe.

Green tights dodged, then whacked him with his knife a couple of times. All the while, keeping up the useless banter.

"ahahaaha! Is that all ye have, Knave? You could not possibly match the awesomeness of Link, the Hero, not to mention future king, of Hyr-" Suddenly, the thing hit him in the face. Green tights, who's name was apparently Link, went soaring, over the trees. (Oh yeah, I realized just then, we were in some forest) He also dropped some red liquid stuff in a bottle, not to mention his knife.

The thing turned on me, roared again, and charged.

Despite my headache, I managed to get out of the way. I transformed, and then attacked.

The thing looked briefly surprised to see me turn into a cat, but not for long. I bit his leg. Hard.

The thing roared, and tried to swing me off. I'm not sure how I stayed on. That was one wild ride. Oh, and my head still hurt like a bitch.

Anyway, it finally had the sense to whack me with the butt of it's axe, and that really hurt, so I was forced to let go. I dodged a few more attacks, then transformed back to normal.

My headache was really bothering me. There's no way I could fight like this. No way at all.

Then, the thing hit me.

I went flying, and next thing I knew, I was in a pond! I hated getting wet! Even if it was shallow!

Then I noticed something.

I was surrounded by little girls with wings.

And I just don't mean 'young.' These girls were tiny. About the size of my thumb.

One of them came up to me. I stared at it, openmouthed. She giggled, then flew at me.

I would have instinctively swatted her. But something about how she flew around me felt… extremely comforting. I could feel me headache go away.

The girl stopped circling my head, winked at me, then went back to her friends.

My hangover was gone.

My hangover _was gone._

_My hangover was gone, dammit!_

So I transformed again, and prepared to kick that thing's ass for daring to mess with me.

Instead, I found Link.

"Oh, Blast it all!" He grumbled. "He got away! And before I got done kicking his ass all the way over yonder…"

I snickered.

He looked at me.

"Aha!" He said, dramatically. "A foul beast of the forest! How dare ye attempt to mock I? The Great Link, Hero of Hyrule, the protector of the people, a knight that can actually do shit!"

He then pointed his knife at me. I realized then that it was actually a sword. A really short sword, but a sword.

"On my honor, you will fall, foul beast!"

I rolled my eyes, then ran away.

"That's right!" Link yelled after me. "Run! Tell all your blue cat buddies how scared you were of me! Yeah!"

Once I was a safe distance away, I transformed back. Now that I was surrounded by the usual tranquility of a forest, I could think properly. Only one thing came to mind:

Where the hell was I?

I couldn't be in Crimea anymore. That was for sure. I had never heard of an area refered to as 'Hyrule' before. Neither could I be in Daein. It was too warm. Daein wasn't exactly known for it's warm climate.

I mean, seriously. If I wasn't in Crimea, where the hell was I?

I couldn't have drifted that far off. I would have drowned. So where was I?

Before I could contemplate this further, I was whacked in the back of the head.

I least that's what I think happened.

I woke up later in the back of a wagon. I vaguely felt pain in the back of my skull. Sitting right next to… a wolf? A man? A Wolfman? It didn't look like a Wolf Laguz, that's for sure.

"Hello. What are we doing here? What happened?" I asked. The thing howled. I then noticed it was shackled to the side of the wagon. So was I. What the… what's happening?

There was a blanket thing over the wagon, so I couldn't see who was taking us wherever we were going.

The wolf and I rode in silence. Well, him not so much. He kept trying to scratch himself. He must have fleas. I really do hate fleas. He also barked a few times. I hated that too. I don't know why. It made me want to climb a tree.

Anyway, after a long wait, the wagon came to a stop. Then, the covering was removed.

"Alright." I heard someone say. "The Blue One is a new species. We must make sure the Princess says it's alright to kill him. You know what happened to the guy who killed that baby dragon?

Suddenly, the wood behind me slid off. Weird. Apparently these guys, whoever they are, are pretty smart. The chains that bound me up weren't attached to the cart, so when the took the panel off, they could simply drag me out. Something like that. I dunno. I'm a freaking laguz.

Anyway, right before the guys got ready to drag me off, I saw where we were.

We were in on a drawbridge, right next to a fucking castle!

That thing was huge! It looked really nice, as well. That couldn't possibly be our destination.

I was half right. My wolf friend was dragged off in the opposite direction of the castle, toward a town.

Me, however, I was dragged into the castle itself.

Joy.

…

Being dragged around in a fancy castle is actually a bit worse then being dragged towards the not so fancy dungeons. For one thing, servants laugh at you, and applaud your captors for being a kickass and capturing an enemy. Also, you see lots of good food as you go by. Apparently this is why Beorc Kings are so fat. They have servants leave food all over the place.

Not that I knew these things were Beorc. No way. They behaved a lot like beorc, but one thing stuck out.

Their ears.

Beorc ears are rounded. Among us of the beast tribe laguz, we have em' sticking out on top of our heads. However, Birds and Dragons have ears like these people: Pointed. These people had little points on the ends of their ears. So, who were these people?

So I was dragged around, trying to ignore the mocking cries of the servants and the smell of good food. I could really go for a rabbit right about now…

I was dragged out of my thoughts when we stopped at a huge door. It was pretty fucking big. What was the point of a door that big, anyway? It kinda pointed it out that this was the throne room. That would be useful for invaders to know….

One of the guys dragging me left his buddies and rapped on the door three times.

"State your name and your reason." A young girl's voice said cheerfully. I mean, seriously. I was surprised. The guards didn't react, however. Apparently this was normal.

"It is I, Bob the Great. I am here because we have an unidentified species. Your Ladyship. It appears to have no concept of language, and we are unsure of what to do with it."

"Hmmm." The Girl on the other side of the door muttered. "Bring this unidentified species in."

The guard, with some difficulty, managed to push the giant door open a crack. His buddies and I followed suit.

We were in a equally huge throne room, to equal the huge door. At the very end sat two figures. I briefly wondered how the sound could carry that far through a door, but I dismissed that wonder. It wasn't really important. Probably some kind of magic.

Now, for the interesting part: The two figures. One was in a gigantic throne, and appeared to be quite old. As we got closer, he looked at the girl next to him with pride.

She was young. I'll take a stab and say about fourteen beorc years. Her throne was considerably smaller, and adorned with flowers.

"My King Hyrule!" One of the guards gasped. "you're... not dead!"

"Of course I'm not dead." The King snapped. "I just had a bad case of the flu. But Zelda's been doing a great job running the Kingdom, hasn't she?" He looked at his daughter with pride. "The Image of her mother, that one. Going to be a great queen someday, I just know it!"

The girl giggled.

"Stop it, father. You're embarrassing me." She said playfully. Now, she turned to us. "Now, what's this?" She said, eyeing me.

"My Lady." Bob the Great said, "this is a unusual discovery. This beast appears to be Labrynian, but it has some catlike features." He said, gesturing towards my ears and tail. I snarled.

"I see." Zelda said impassively. "Who discovered this?"

Bob the Great's face lit up. "Ah, it was the Hero! Our beacon of Light, Link!"

These people really take that guy seriously? I gagged. Zelda must have noticed my facial expression, because she frowned. "I believe you said this species had no concept of our language? Then why is it upset?"

Bob looked at me and started.

"Forgive me, Cat like person, do you have a name? Can you speak?" Zelda asked.

"Yes. As I matter of fact." I said, matter of factly.

"What!" Bob screamed. "You can talk!" He looked around frantically. "Why didn't you talk before?"

"I was under the impression I did something wrong." I said. "I figured talking would just get me in more trouble."

"Very well. You are to be released at once. Bob! Leave us. If this happens again, I will personally remove that suffix from your name. Is that clear?" Zelda asked.

"Yes… Milady." Bob said nervously, and left immediately.

"The rest of you. Release him, and come up here. I require a guard. No offense." She added, hastily in my direction. "I require protection when dealing with a possibly dangerous individual. It's part of being royalty."

"I understand. May I ask a question, Princess?"

"Yes. You may."

"What did I do?"

Zelda sighed. "It's a new act suggested by the Lord of Ordon Province. He was getting angry about monsters always attacking his people's crops and livestock, and suggested we reduce the population." She sighed again. "Many unknown species live in the forest. I fear we will disturb many during our hunt."

"Ah, how thoughtful my Princess is!" the King said jovially. "Just like her dear old mother!"

"Yes… thank you father. Now, may I ask you a question?"

"Yes."

"Who are you?"

"I am Ranulf. I am the ambassador between Crimea and Gallia."

"I have never heard of those countries." Zelda said, frowning. "They must be a long way away…"

"I wouldn't know. I'm not even sure where I am, myself." I admitted.

"Share your story with me." Zelda commanded.

…

"I see." Zelda said, after I finished telling her about Lethe and Ike, and the Green tight wearing maniac. "That is odd. Odd indeed. These were friends of yours, correct?"

"Yeah." I said. Both Ike and Lethe had been close friends of mine. "It was Lethe though, that shoved me in the bag. I would've fought back, but I was really drunk, and…"

"Yes, I see." Clearing her throat, she said clearly. "I will help you, Ranulf. With everything in my power, I will help assure you get home safely."

"I thank you." I said. "And I will-"

But I was interrupted.

"Oh, My Princess! As noble as her mother, that one!" The King said, as cheerfully as ever. I was starting to question his sanity. So far, he had only spoken to praise the Princess.

"That will be enough, Father. Thank you." Zelda said, a hint of exasperation in her voice.

"As I was saying, I am an important member of the Gallian army. Perhaps this could be the start of a prosperful alliance." I suggested.

"Perhaps." Zelda looked like she wished to say more, but suddenly, a guard came bursting in.

"Your ladyship! Your higness!" The guard squeled. "The tournament in town is starting!"

"Ah. This should be interesting." Zelda said, sounding very enthused. "Prepare some guards. I wish to watch."

"Very well." The guard said, bowing, as he left.

For the first time, the king looked annoyed.

"Zelda, it isn't very ladylike to attend a fighting tournament…" He began, but Zelda silenced him.

"They will wish for some encouragement. The Princess should should do nicely, wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes… But…"

"No buts!" Zelda intreupted. "Go and get some sleep, Father. You're still recovering." She then turned to me. "I hope you will accept an invitation to join me?"

What else could I do?

"Yes, I'd be honored. This sounds like fun!"

…

The guards flanked us as we walked into town. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

"I hate them it, as well." Zelda said when I complained about it. "But it is necessary."

I was about to tell her to stop being such a girl and learn how to fight, when the stadium came into view.

It seemed fairly new, and was placed right in the middle of town that the castle ominously loomed over.

"We have our own special spot." Zelda explained.

…

The tournament was pretty interesting. Not very many fighters seemed up to par with, say, Boyd or Mia, but there were exceptions.

Such as Link.

"Take that, ye hypocrite!" Link screamed triumphantly as his opponent dropped his axe and fell to his knees, gasping. "That should teach thee not to take my age lightly, for I am Link! Hero of Hyrule! I'm a kickass little son of a bitch, with an amazing sword," At this point he held out his knife triumphantly. "and amazing strikes that seem to outpace lightning! I can-"

"He's certainly confident in himself, isn't he?" I asked Zelda.

"Yes…" Zelda said, frowning. "A tiny bit too much though. If only he talked a little less…" She seemed embaressed and seemed to change what she was going to say, "He is an excellent swordsman though. He just needs to… err… deflate his ego a bit."

Link continued his rant about why he was so awesome and how being that awesome was possible, all the while using old words like 'thou, 'hast' 'thee, and 'knave,' which it seemed not even Hyrule's royalty used. What a nutball.

Anyway, it finally became clear what happened to the thing that was riding with me in the carriage. It was being used as sideshow entertainment. Some guy would go into the cage with the thing, then attempt to retrieve a ball from it's mouth.

The tournament finally came to the finals. In one side, was the nuttiest swordsman I knew, Link. He looked rather excited. Despite his huge ego, he must have worked very hard to get this far.

On the other side was this woman with red hair. She seemed to be proficient in using twin schimitars.

"I hope he wins." Zelda said anxiously.

"He'll be fine." I said dismissively.

"She's an accomplished thief, though." Zelda said, extremely anxious now. "She's robbed dozens of people, and all of those thieves in the desert are extremely accomplished warriors."

"Hmmm… Well, this should be a good match, then."

The whistle blew, and the two fighters dashed at each other…

And the earth shook.

I can't saw for everyone else, but Zelda and I fell down on the floor. And all hell broke loose.

Some things rushed in to where we were at. They looked vaguely like pigs, but standing on two legs. They also had spears.

Zelda turned around, and looked extremely frightened. The things charged at us, so I did what I had to do.

I transformed.

Basically what happened is this: I kicked ass. Would you expect anything less from me, huh?"

I reverted to my usual form, then I turned to Zelda.

"We have to get out of here!" I said urgently.

Zelda seemed a tad bit surprised at my transformation. "Alright." She said, nodding. "We should head back to the castle."

All of our guards were dead, so I escorted the Princess outside the stadium.

All of the fighters lay dead. Well, except for one.

"Yeah! Take that, bitch!" Link cackled, as he whacked a pig in the face with his shield.

The pig stumbled, and then Link stabbed it. It screamed in pain, and Link withdrew his blade from it's body and kicked it aside casually.

He saw us and grinned.

"Princess! A little help here?" He called, fighting off about five pigs at once.

"Let's help." Zelda said. I nodded. I transformed and rushed at the pigs, slashing them with my claws.

Zelda, however, picked up a sword from one of the fallen fighters and began fighting with a viciousness I really didn't expect from her. I mean, what the fuck. She has flowers on her throne!

Between the three of us, all the pigs in the immediate area where decimated.

Link sheathed his sword as I transformed back lazily. "So, you're the thing I met in the woods, today. Sorry about that."

It was alright, and I was about to say so, when the earth shook again.

"The hell was that?" I asked.

"It must be whoever is behind all this." Zelda said, biting her lip nervously. "He must be a really powerful sage… I'm not sure even I could make the ground shake like that…"

"Meh, we can get the bastard." Link said dismissively. "you will help, won't you?" He asked me.

"Of course." I said, nodding.

"Then it's settled. First we'll get the princess back to the castle and-"

"No."

We looked at her.

"Princess, your old man's senile." Link explained patiently. "You already deal with a whole bunch of political shit and he's still alive. He has no other heirs, and we can't get take the risk of losing the royal line of Hyrule. Comprende?" Without waiting for her to answer, he plowed on: "I know you can fight. Anybody that denies that is a dick. But seriously, this could get really dangerous, and I could get in trouble if I let you fight."

"So this is about you now?" Zelda asked, flaring up.

"Great… that was the wrong thing to say…" Link muttered, rolling his eyes.

"It's always about you! All you talk about is how awesome you are, and your reputation! You make me sick!" With that, Zelda stormed away.

"What the fuck!" I cried in alarm. "Princess! This is a war! You can't just get pissed off at your allies! Zelda!"

She didn't bother to answer me. Instead, she turned around and snarled at Link. Then, a green light surrounded her and she disappeared.

"What the hell was that?"

"Farore's Wind." Link said grimly. "Typically you need to set up a warp point before you can teleport, but it seems Zelda has mastered it beyond that point. She could be anywhere."

"You don't suppose she went to the castle, did you?"

Link snorted.

"That is just plain… Look, she got pissed off at just being hinted at hiding for safety. No, she's just going to fight, and kill the leader if she can."

"She'd do that?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah…" Link said, oddly unfocused. "Where could she be…"

Suddenly, a huge inferno appeared on the side of the town opposite of the castle.

"Bingo." Link said, and ran off. I shrugged and followed him.

Some pigs were rushing around, terrorizing the citizens, Link pulled out a bow and shot them all _while he was still running. _Damn, that kid was a good shot.

Anyway, we passed a drawbridge, and there, standing down a huge army of pigs, some giant things in armor, lizards with swords and shields that stood on two legs, The women from Gerudo Zelda mentioned, and a huge guy with a huge trident, leading the whole thing.

This was not going to be pretty.

"So, Zelda." The big guy drawled. Now that I got over the shock of the vastness of the army, I saw details of the leader. He was huge, had fiery red hair, Green skin, and a black cloak. "We meet again, for the last time!"

Zelda didn't say anything.

"Zelda!" Link screamed, and ran up to her. I followed suit. "Are you all right?"

"Who are you?" Zelda asked, ignoring Link.

"So, you don't remember…" the man murmured. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am… Ganondorf. The King of Theives."

"Haha, we're being attacked by the fucking Gerudo." Link snickered. I didn't get the joke, and neither apparently did anyone else.

"So, Princess, Hero… third party." Ganondorf said, eyeing me. "Give me what I desire.

"Hasten thy ass back to thy heathen kingdom, bitch!" Link screamed, cracking up again.

"Out of all the times we met, you never were this talkative…" Ganondorf muttered.

"What was that? You want a fight! We can take you! Yeah!"

"Link, I don't think we can take on a whole army all by ourselves." I said anxiously.

"You two can't, but I sure can. I have a special power, reserved just for a circumstance like this!"

We all looked at him in shock.

"Link... So you, at least, remember…" Ganondorf cackled.

"No! Link! You can't unlease Farore's might!" Zelda said, terrified. "That's just what he wants!"

"Huh?" Link asked, looking bemused. "Farore? As in one of the Goddesses? Do you think I sold my soul or some shit like that?"

"Wait… So you don't remember?" Ganondorf asked, looking disappointed. "I was looking for a good fight…"

"And you'll get it!" Link said, striking a gallant pose. "For I know of a deadly secret! At the start of every great war, there rises a Hero greater than anyone else! But as time goes on, that warrior becomes weaker and weaker, while his comrades grow even stronger! I call upon this power! Jeigan!"

Suddenly, Link started glowing. Then it was gone.

Everyone there looked shocked.

"Kill the blue one, leave the Princess and the Hero!" Ganondorf commanded.

"ROAHHHHHHH!" All the beasts screamed, and they rushed at us.

Zelda seemed to have in mind a short motivational speech, probably about how their gods were looking after them and that Hyrule was a great country, that deserved to win.

Link, however, beat her to the punch.

"Kick ass!" He screamed, and rushed in, swinging his knife- I mean sword, wildly.

Zelda and I looked at each other, shrugged, and joined in the fight.

Link ignored the rules of war of my world, and didn't allow the opponent a chance to strike back. He kept swinging his sword, singing in an incredibly bad voice.

"My name is Link and I'm the Ganon slayer! Don't test me, I fight hard! Don't make me put you with the ghosts in the graveyard!" Link sang.

Zelda, however, was using her magic and the sword she picked up earlier simiteonously, which was pretty impressive. She'd swing her sword, kill one, while at the same time killing another with magic. It was cool.

I regret to say I think I was the least help in that fight. I transformed, sure, and killed as many as I could. But Link's 'special power' and Zelda's unique fighting style seemed more suited to this kind of thing.

So, suddenly, all the things around me died. No, seriously. They just keeled over, and stuck their tongues out. I blinked. I transformed back, and looked around. Link and Zelda looked pretty shocked too.

"So, Link. The war is now over. Now you are weak." Ganondorf said.

"Pffft." Link snorted. "Nothing could make me weak… Oh shit."

Ganondorf lazily walked up and punched Link in the face, Link should have been able to dodge it, but instead, he went flying over the castle wall.

"Yes!" Ganondorf said triumphantly. "Now the Legend of Zelda can finally end!"

"**You did well, Ganondorf." **Me and Zelda looked around in shock, but there was no one to be seen.

"Yes. Now, I must collect the Triforce of Wisdom!"

"Triforce?" I asked blankly.

"I know you have it Zelda!" Ganondorf said. "If you don't give it to me right now, there could be some dire consequences…"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Zelda said, finally.

"Don't lie to me!" Ganondorf spat. "It's you, it's always been you, who's always denied me my rightfully earned power!"

"**Kill her Ganondorf. End the Legend, and your pain will end."**

That voice again. Where was it coming from?

"That won't work." Ganondorf said to the sky. "the Triforce will simply find another…"

"**Do not defy me! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!"**

"At least give me a reason."

"**How dare you defy me?" **The voice screeched. **"Very well! We will exterminate her ourselves!"**

Suddenly their was a flash of light… and nothing happened.

"Hey, are you still there?" Ganondorf asked. "Hello?"

The voice didn't respond.

"That takes care of him, anyway. Bossing me around! How dare that guy… Anyway!" Ganondorf turned to us. "Give me the Triforce, Zelda!"

I heard something whistling through the air, and I ducked. When I looked up, Ganondorf was standing there with an arrow in his chest.

"Ow." He said simply, and yanked it out.

"I'mmmmmmmm bacccccccck!" Link screamed, running across the drawbridge.

"What took you so long?" Zelda screamed.

"I was looking… for this!" Link said, holding out a sword, that, unlike his other one, I could defineatly say was a sword.

"That's the… where did you get it?"

"Temple of Time. I fell in through the window, grabbed the sword, and used my hookshot to get back out. It was awesome!"

"But Link, you gave all your skills up to… uh…"

"Become a Jeigan?" Link said, mildly.

"Yes!"

"Well, since that's technically a curse, and curses are evil, and the Master Sword defeats evil… presto! I'm kickass again!"

"It does not matter if you're 'kickass' or not. It does not matter if you hold the Sword of Evil's Bane. It does not matter if you're Link, the Hero of…" Here he paused. "What is your title again?"

"Link, the kickass Hero!" Link said proudly.

"You know what, I have fought you countless times through out the ages, and only just now am I starting to hate you."

"Then bring it on, bitch!"

"Let's go! Link, Ranulf! Together!" Zelda cried.

And thus, our battle ensued.

Basically, it was Mayhem Ganondorf used a whole bunch of dark magic, and I got hit immediately. Ow. So at the start of the fight, I was on the ground puking as Link and Zelda battled Ganondorf.

When I got up, I transformed to Beast form, and attacked, scratching Ganondorf's face. This guy was fast! He tried to hit me in the head with a sword, and I just barely dodged it. Then, he kicked me. He kicked me! It didn't even look like a strong kick, and I went flying.

When I came back, Link had stabbed him in the head. Ow. That's gotta hurt.

Link removed the blade and laughed. "That was cool!"

Zelda smiled. "Thank you, both of you."

"Guys?" I said. "He's not dead yet."

Indeed, Ganondorf had begun to squiggle, and then…

He jumped up, panting. He looked at us, then showed us the back of his right hand.

"This Mark… do you want to know how I got it?" he asked. We shook our heads. "good. Saves me the trouble of explaining this!" Suddenly, Ganondorf started transforming! He grew some horns, and somehow pulled two giant Razors out of nowhere!

"Holy shit!" I cried.

"That was the mark of the Triforce! He must have a piece! This is the power of the gods, we're fighting!" Zelda screamed.

"Just like old times…" I muttered.

The beast roared at us, and swung it's blades at Link. Link blocked them with his sword, but it went spinning out of his hand.

"Ah, Shit."

The beast roared at us, and hit me next. I went flying… again. This time when I got up, There was someone standing there.

"Hello." The Man said brightly.

The most noticeable thing about this guy was his backpack, which was set beside him. It had all sorts of masks on it.

"Umm… Hello." I said. "I'm kinda in the middle of a fight, here. And I need to get back…"

"Well, some of my masks just happen to have amazing magical powers!" The guy said brightly.

I know, I know. This sounds like the sort of thing that would happen in a really bad story, but still. It happened.

"Can I have a mask?"

"Sure!" The guy said. "This one, I bought it for 9999999999999999999999 quatrillion rupees. Oddly, for a mask of this quality, it was a bargain!"

I took the mask. It was the face of a tough looking red haired guy with a pretty cool beard.

"Well? Put it on." The guy said. "This mask gives you incredibly powerful Roundhouse kicks. I still don't know of it's origins, but my guess would be the great land 'America.'

"Got it." I grabbed the mask, and put it on. Oh… my… the power in my legs were incredible! "This power…" I gasped. "Can I even figure out how to…"

And so, as if by instinct, I jumped back into the fray. Literally.

"RAHHH!" I screamed, and Ganon turned to look at me.

POW!

I kicked him in the face. He went reeling, and almost fell over. Almost. I ran around the bastard, kicking him so many times in so many directions so fast that he didn't have time to 'fall down' anywhere.

POW!

POW!

POW!

POW!

POW!

POW!

POW! POW!

POW!

POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

Finally, I let him fall over.

Link and Zelda were staring at me in shock.

"Ummm… Isn't that sword the only way we can kill this guy?" I asked awkwardly.

"Oh yeah!" Link said, snapping his fingers. "Zelda, hold him still while I kill him."

"Alright." Zelda nodded. She raised her hands and a whole bunch of golden light raced towards Ganon.

"Win! Win! Win!" Link screamed, again and again, as he stabbed Ganon brutally in the face.

"Link! It's over." Zelda said, grabbing his arm. "It's over. He's dead."

"That's kind of lame." Link said, eyeing Ganon's body objectively. "I thought you said he had the power of Din, the fucking goddess of Power?"

"**The Answer to that is this: It doesn't make any sense."**

"Ah crap." I scowled as I removed my mask. "It's the voice again."

"What voice?" Link asked. "When did we hear a voice before?"

"Just after you flew over the wall."

"**Yes… some Legend. This Legend, the Legend of Zelda, is hailed as one of the greatest Sagas ever. But in every installment, the same thing happens. Ganon takes over Hyrule. How is this Tale revolutionary? I don't see it…**

"Great. Now this guy is making fun of us. Let's kill him!" Link said, fire in his eyes.

"**You… the Blue one… You don't belong here. It's time your GAME ENDED!"**

Suddenly, the whole world felt like it was on fire. I was burning up. I was… dying…

"Ranulf? Ranulf? Ranulf!" I heard Zelda scream, but then everything went black.

…

I woke up. I was confused. It was dark too. Was that all… a dream?

"Hello?" I called, and it occurred to me I felt like I was standing up. Who falls asleep standing up?

"_**Huh? Oh, it's you. Yeah**__, __**I'm coming. Sheesh. Boss, I'll explain parts of what the hell happened now… yeah…"**_

A voice? But it seemed to be bouncing off the walls… but there were no walls. Just darkness.

A few minutes later, someone appeared. This guy didn't look like much like a fighter, but he looked really, really, smart, even for a Beorc.

"Hello Ranulf." He said warmly. "We've been waiting for you for some time."

"Who's 'We?' Where are Link and Zelda? Where am I?"

The man looked pained.

"It is not my place to inform you of who 'we' are. You will learn. In time. As for Link and Zelda, they are currently mourning your death. It is also not my place to tell you where you are."

"Link and Zelda… are mourning my death…" I said slowly. "So I'm… dead?"

"No. In this scenario, the Term is 'Game Over.' Your Game has simply ended, so to speak.

"I don't get it."

"You are not dead. You never were. You Ranulf, were chosen by us to unleash our ultimate plan. But Ranulf, we believed you had to live a long live to gather enough wisdom to carry out our plan. When you died, we would give you a choice: Go to the aftergame, or afterlife, or gain a 'continue.' The Continue would bring you back to the realm of the playing… excuse me, the living. You, when your game ended, chose to continue."

"I don't remember this…"

"You were drunk. Your decision was, in a way, biased. So. We are giving you another shot. We are taking you to your homeland. Live out life the way you wish. When your game ends, we will meet. And then, you will choose."

"Okay…" I struggled to find the words in my throat. "But what do you want me to do?"

"We will talk about that later. Now, before you head back to the realm of the playing, remember this: Things have changed in Tellius. It may have seemed a short time to you, but to the people of your world… I'll let you figure it out. Follow your heart, Ranulf."

"But… who killed me in Hyrule?"

"That… I shall explain… in due time… Until Next time… Ranulf…"

…

"Ow…"What in the World…"


End file.
